I am slowly working at living mindfully. I'm taking my vitamins. I'm listening to my body when it says I should go to bed instead of sitting up until 3 am reading blogs or playing with photoshop. I've begun sorting through a few boxes of accumulated junk to prepare for a yard sale. I managed to get my bathroom nice and clean & have been enjoying the crisp bleached smell every time I walk in the room. I pick my daughter up even more, give her more kisses, tell her what a blessing she is. Little steps to make me feel connected and involved in my life. It feels good. All my life I have tended to be a dreamer not a doer. Maybe it's just my nature or maybe it's because I've been dealing with chronic depression since I was nine. Whatever the cause I want to change this pattern. I don't want to watch life happen. I want to live it.
I think I often write about how I wish I could be a better person or could make changes in my life without going into any detail about what bothers me. Recently one of my lovely, talented blogging friends Carola (go check out her beautiful photography!) left me this comment.
"Meegan - why do you think you need to become a better person? What makes you think you're not good enough yet? As far as I can say, you are a very thoughtful, loving, nurturing woman and mother who is very grown up! Don't get intimidated by numbers. You are on a wonderful path and I enjoy witnessing that! It's wonderful to have you as my blogging friend."
Her sweet words lifted my heart. It's good to know others see and appreciate you, even when you don't appreciate yourself. Her comment reminded me that I should be kinder to myself, something I will work on. It also made me aware that I haven't really talked about the things that bother me. I say I want to change things, but not what things. Maybe by not being specific I shield myself. Being open and honest leaves you vulnerable. So here are some things I need to work on:
- Being a better stay at home mom: Because I don't work outside my home it's really important to me to do a good job within it. Unfortunately I am not naturally a neat, organized, multi tasking type person. I am not a good housekeeper. I aspire to be. I LOVE LOVE LOVE a clean and organized home. In fact my Virgo personality thrives on it and yet I'm not organized enough to actually achieve it. I'm kind of flaky really. I'll be making the baby's bottle early in the morning & be in a hurry to get it to her before she fully wakes up and end up leaving the plastic seal on the counter instead of throwing it away. I don't notice most of the time if I spill something or accidentally drop something and not clean it up because I never noticed it. Apparently messy is my nature. It drives my husband crazy and the disorganization gets to me too. I wish I could change this about myself. I'm also not a good cook. Nothing I make ever tastes good. I feel rotten when I sit dinner down in front of my husband and know he's going to hate it. It's so disheartening. After all, Homemaking is my job now. I've dreamed of doing this my whole life and to do it in a mediocre way is heartbreaking. I want to do it well. Imagine how you'd feel if you went to work every day to a job to a job you love but everything you do turns out badly and you disappoint the boss you admire most. So, this is an area I really want to improve on. I want to be my version of a modern June Cleaver. I don't expect perfection, but I know I could do so much better if I could only get more organized. Or find more hours in the day to get everything done.
- Taking care of myself, getting healthy and thinner: I have issues with food. I have since I was a teenager. In my teens I went on crash diets, starving and purging through excess exercising to the point where I dropped to 100 lbs and didn't have the energy to get out of bed. A bad breakup and depression swung my food issues in the opposite direction and I began binge eating, sleeping instead of exercising and gained 200 lbs. Over the last decade I've dieted several times, losing 50 or more pounds with each diet and then gaining it back. It's an ugly cycle. I need to break it. Currently my weight hovers around 300 lbs, my highest weight was 348 which I weighed in 2009 just before I got pregnant. I managed to actually lose weight during my pregnancy. I have a daughter and I want to be a good role model for her, a model of healthy living. To do that I need to get my weight under control. I also need to start exercising. Obesity is a common problem in my family and I don't want to pass the same bad habits on to my daughter.
- Developing my natural talents: There are hobbies I'd like to explore more, some things I know I could be better at if I just gave it a little time and attention. For example my photography. I use to spend a lot of time taking photos and playing with photoshop but the moment I started to really learn and grow I quit working at it. I tend to do that with everything. You could even make an arguement that I do that with getting healthy too. The minute I approach a healthy weight I immediately stop doing all the healthy things that got me to that point. I think I quit on things because I don't feel I deserve to succeed.