Wednesday, September 29, 2010

So this is where I'm at today

It seems to me that the more I have going on in my head, the more things I should be writing about, the harder it is sometimes for me to write. Many years ago when I first began keeping online journals I would rush to post every thought, feeling, problem as a way to sort through the muddle in my head and clear my thoughts. It was cathartic. I kind of wish I could get to that place again. Maybe with age I've become more gaurded. Or maybe because I'm now married and a mom (with friends and family and co-workers's of my husband and blogging buddies, etc; I worry more about what others will think of me). Anyway, I tend to get quiet here just when I should be posting the most.

I am slowly working at living mindfully. I'm taking my vitamins. I'm listening to my body when it says I should go to bed instead of sitting up until 3 am reading blogs or playing with photoshop. I've begun sorting through a few boxes of accumulated junk to prepare for a yard sale. I managed to get my bathroom nice and clean & have been enjoying the crisp bleached smell every time I walk in the room. I pick my daughter up even more, give her more kisses, tell her what a blessing she is. Little steps to make me feel connected and involved in my life. It feels good. All my life I have tended to be a dreamer not a doer. Maybe it's just my nature or maybe it's because I've been dealing with chronic depression since I was nine. Whatever the cause I want to change this pattern. I don't want to watch life happen. I want to live it.

I think I often write about how I wish I could be a better person or could make changes in my life without going into any detail about what bothers me. Recently one of my lovely, talented blogging friends Carola (go check out her beautiful photography!) left me this comment.  

"Meegan - why do you think you need to become a better person? What makes you think you're not good enough yet? As far as I can say, you are a very thoughtful, loving, nurturing woman and mother who is very grown up! Don't get intimidated by numbers. You are on a wonderful path and I enjoy witnessing that! It's wonderful to have you as my blogging friend."

Her sweet words lifted my heart. It's good to know others see and appreciate you, even when you don't appreciate yourself. Her comment reminded me that I should be kinder to myself, something I will work on. It also made me aware that I haven't really talked about the things that bother me. I say I want to change things, but not what things. Maybe by not being specific I shield myself. Being open and honest leaves you vulnerable. So here are some things I need to work on:

  1. Being a better stay at home mom: Because I don't work outside my home it's really important to me to do a good job within it. Unfortunately I am not naturally a neat, organized, multi tasking type person. I am not a good housekeeper. I aspire to be. I LOVE LOVE LOVE a clean and organized home. In fact my Virgo personality thrives on it and yet I'm not organized enough to actually achieve it. I'm kind of flaky really. I'll be making the baby's bottle early in the morning & be in a hurry to get it to her before she fully wakes up and end up leaving the plastic seal on the counter instead of throwing it away. I don't notice most of the time if I spill something or accidentally drop something and not clean it up because I never noticed it. Apparently messy is my nature. It drives my husband crazy and the disorganization gets to me too. I wish I could change this about myself. I'm also not a good cook. Nothing I make ever tastes good. I feel rotten when I sit dinner down in front of my husband and know he's going to hate it. It's so disheartening. After all, Homemaking is my job now. I've dreamed of doing this my whole life and to do it in a mediocre way is heartbreaking. I want to do it well. Imagine how you'd feel if you went to work every day to a job to a job you love but everything you do turns out badly and you disappoint the boss you admire most. So, this is an area I really want to improve on. I want to be my version of a modern June Cleaver. I don't expect perfection, but I know I could do so much better if I could only get more organized. Or find more hours in the day to get everything done. 
  2. Taking care of myself, getting healthy and thinner: I have issues with food. I have since I was a teenager. In my teens I went on crash diets, starving and purging through excess exercising to the point where I dropped to 100 lbs and didn't have the energy to get out of bed. A bad breakup and depression swung my food issues in the opposite direction and I began binge eating, sleeping instead of exercising and gained 200 lbs. Over the last decade I've dieted several times, losing 50 or more pounds with each diet and then gaining it back. It's an ugly cycle. I need to break it. Currently my weight hovers around 300 lbs, my highest weight was 348 which I weighed in 2009 just before I got pregnant. I managed to actually lose weight during my pregnancy. I have a daughter and I want to be a good role model for her, a model of healthy living. To do that I need to get my weight under control. I also need to start exercising. Obesity is a common problem in my family and I don't want to pass the same bad habits on to my daughter. 
  3. Developing my natural talents:  There are hobbies I'd like to explore more, some things I know I could be better at if I just gave it a little time and attention. For example my photography. I use to spend a lot of time taking photos and playing with photoshop but the moment I started to really learn and grow I quit working at it. I tend to do that with everything. You could even make an arguement that I do that with getting healthy too. The minute I approach a healthy weight I immediately stop doing all the healthy things that got me to that point. I think I quit on things because I don't feel I deserve to succeed. 
So, those are the primary things I want to work on, the things I am refering to when I say I want to be a better person. I just don't think I live up to the potential I have. I could be better and I want to be. In the past I've let my depression and the hopeless/helpless feelings overwhelm me and keep me from making the changes and improvements I want to make. I'm determined not to continue down the path of least resistance. Making changes is hard and takes time but I'm determined to keep slugging away, one tiny step at a time. Ugh, was all this too much information? Thanks for listening to my rambles.


5 comments:

  1. Dear Sweet Meegan-I read this whole post and ...my friend...please don't be so hard on yourSELF! You have SO many wonderful qualities...a warm and open heart and a keen mind...don't trample all over your gifts! And being a stay at home mom is..difficult!I totally agree with Carola BTW...while there are always so many things we can all do to grow...the person/spirit/soul you ESSENTIALLY are inside is perfect and wonderful and complete. I have to agree with you on the housekeeping front...in my perfect world; it does NOT exist! A few tips about organization that I have picked up along the way...life gets easier when you are organized!! I just really try to get rid of junk, things I don't use, can't fit into etc. I have so many clear plastic containers of all sizes...I organise all my beach wear in one, winter sweaters in another, how to manuals in another...and I label them and get them out of the way. I hate clutter and try to eliminate it from my life. I give away a lot of Tara's stuff as soon as she grows out of it-I only keep a few things in her keepsake (plastic container!!) box. I keep a scrapbook for her so all her important stuff goes in there.
    And maybe you can take a cooking class? I have lots of recipe books and the first time I cook something I always follow the recipe exactly...then after that you can change things a little. But most importantly Meegan...just embrace who you are and LOVE yourSELF. What I have learned is that all the issues I don't resolve...I will in some way, pass on to Tara. Sending you los of loveXXX

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  2. hey - you are doing great things! concentrate on being a mama & wife first! I've added myself as a follower... I hope you'll visit my blog as I posted a book review of The Apple Lady, which is a children's book.
    take care of you! Self-Care is FIRST for mama's.

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  3. Dear Meegan - thank you so much for your openness and honesty. This post is a very brave one - so, you have courage as well!
    I completely agree with Soraya and Christine, so I won't repeat it here.
    As a stay-at-home mom we often have the feeling we need to be perfect because we "don't work". I still get that today from some people, and sometimes it drives me up the wall, sometimes I just don't care. I'm the worst housekeeper in the universe, I just plain hate housework (except for hanging laundry on the line!), and the only places that are regularly cleaned are the bathrooms and the kitchen - the rest of the house is getting cleaned on a very irregular schedule, and we don't drown in dirt. Perhaps you can start by focusing on kitchen and bathrooms first or the places where Nora is the most. Don't try to do everything at once AND do it perfectly. Let imperfection be a regular guest in your life. (Visit http://www.ordinarycourage.com/ for that!)No one has died because of dust on the shelves!
    I like Soraya's idea of a cooking class, and if that is a problem (timewise, moneywise...) pop onto the Food Network and see whether there is a cooking show that inspires you. I had lost my love of cooking a lot, but watching Ina Garden (Barefoot Contessa) brought it all back. Tape whatever you like and then follow step by step. Perhaps that might be an idea for you? I can understand your weight issues - I've always been more on the heavier side and I know it's hard. Is there something you could start with small steps? Like - putting Nora in the stroller and do a brisk walk for 30-45 minutes most days? A whole exercise program sounds overwhelming, but doing something that is actually doable can bring your first successes.
    Sorry for blabbering along... I kind of see where you are and that you really want to change something. Telling the world about it is a huge first and important step. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're a wonderful person!

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  4. Such huge BRAVE STEPS you are taking right now. I know these changes do not happen outside of community. We fellow flyers are here to encourage and cheer you on your journey-KEEP GOING friend...

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  5. Oh dear Mee...none of us are ever "good enough". It's only through salvation in Christ we obtain eternity. Billy Graham said, "You're born, You suffer. You die. Fortunately, there's a loophole." Amen and that's what gets me out of bed -smile-. Change is good and your goals admirable but be easy on yourself. Go slowly, take small steps and your goals will be obtained. As to being a homemaker, the only high calling, other than to Christ, is to be a Godly wife and mother.
    Dearest Mee...you ARE good enough, because Christ loves you enough.

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