Friday, August 27, 2010

The blanket



Do you look back on certain times in your life & wish you could change it? Generally I am very happy with the choices I've made because they led to my husband & daughter but when I look at this blanket I do have little feelings of regret & wish I could go back in time and change the way I felt & lived my life during my 20's. I wouldn't change specific actions, instead I would give my younger self a shot of hope & joy, two things completely lacking in my twenty-something self. From around my 20th birthday until my 30th I was completely & utterly depressed. I've had bouts of depression before & since that time but during my twenties it never let up. I lived in a chronic mild depression that never let me really enjoy anything, always under the surface I felt hopeless & helpless. These thoughts weren't based on anything in my life at the time. It was just an all consuming feeling I couldn't shake & I've come to believe was some sort of chemical imbalance. Anyway, I felt that life had passed me by and I was just slogging thru my days with little purpose. It was a lost decade. I wasn't truly living my life. Around the middle of that time I had baby fever & although I had no hope of marrying or having a baby (I refused to even date, believing I was unlovable & incapable of finding a soulmate) I found myself drawn to all things baby & I bought a baby blanket embroidery kit. It took me about 5 months to complete. I sewed on it sporadically in the evenings after work & then I tucked it away in storage.i hadn't given it any thought since then. Recently I came across it and I'm thinking of giving it to Nora. Though it was made during a rough time in my life I did make it for her, the daughter I prayed & dreamed for but didn't really think would bless my life. When I look at this blanket I am even more thankful for Nora & my hubby. They truly are a dream come true for me. I've come a long way and found real happiness.

I think that as a way to remove any of the regret I feel over my lost decade, a decade which should have been a happy and carefree time of youth and exploration for me, I'm going to dress the blanket up a bit. It could use a bit of color around the border & I'm thinking of lining the back with patches made from my maternity shirts. Maybe I'll even put a few photo transfers of Nora & I on the back. We'll see. I'll think it over. It might make a nice Christmas gift for Nora and a good reminder to me to never give up hope. Dreams come true when you least expect them too.

3 comments:

  1. Dear sweet meegan-this baby blanket is just beautiful. I think that you should give it to Nora just as is...sometimes it's all the rough times, the sad times, the really break your soul times that bring us up to the light...to the gifts in our lives and lead us to appreciate what we have. I am sorry that you spend your whole twenties in depression and unhappiness...I think so many of us did. My whole 20's were spent trying to run away from myself...I lived in an ashram for 3 or 4 months, one time I moved like 10 times in one year...it was quite the journey. But I think that everything that we go through makes us who we are today. And that leads us to be thankful of our gifts. I am so gald that you met your husband...it sounds like you have a wonderful man. I really love your pic of Nora sleeping and the baby portrait is so beautiful...what a gift! I have been wanting to do watercolor portrait of Tara thaI will get around to one of these days! xxx

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  2. Dear Meegan - since I read this post for the first time last week it has stayed with me. Your thinking about regretting something in life did touch a nerve in me. I think there are some times and things I did that I regret and wish had done differently. However, that would also mean I'd lead a different life than I do and would not have my beautiful daughter and my wonderful husband. Plus, I'm also often thinking that regretting is just a waste of time and energy because there is no way we can change it.
    I remember my twenties as a rather chaotic decade - honestly, we're not grown up with 20 and are still searching.
    I love the idea of giving the blanket to Nora. I'm not sure I'd change anything about it. It's "raw" the way it is, it is you. Perhaps several years from now you can tell Nora the story of it. It is very powerful.

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  3. Oh Mee ... what a beautiful way to transform the past into something positive and affirming. As I read your words, I was struck by my memory of the closing of my twenties and how someone told me your twenties are meant to be tumultuous and then in your thirties you have a better idea of who it is you want to be, how you want to live your life. As hard as it must have been to live through a decade of depression, the act of creating that blanket was such an amazing expression of your inner light and belief in new beginnings. I am struck by the gift of perspective your twenties gave you; you are not taking anything for granted, you are embracing your life and your family with an awareness that many lack. I hope as you weave new life into that blanket you can find peace with your past.

    big hugs - this is so powerful, thank you for sharing your story.

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