Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Letting my LIGHT shine!

The Universe has aligned to send me the same message everywhere I look. It started with Kelly Rae's flying lessons class which is talking about facing your fears and pushing through them to become the person you want to be and do the things you want to do. Just a few minutes ago while rocking my baby & watching the Sprout channel, Barney & Friends was teaching basically the same message of practicing, believing in yourself & persevering until you are able to do the things you want to do. Obviously this is something I need to pay attention to. And it feeds right into my own thoughts and feelings which have been swirling about in my head for the past few months.

I fear being open, honest and authentic because allowing others to see who I truly am makes me feel vulnerable; vulnerable to ridicule, vulnerable to rejection. I fear committing myself to anything because I'm terrified of giving my whole heart to something and then not living up to my dreams. It's easier to dream than to do. In a day dream I can accomplish anything but in real life sometimes a person can work their heart out and realize they can't live up to the dream and then the dream will be gone forever. I hold tight to the dreams, keeping them secretly in my heart but never try to accomplish them because I don't want to lose that secret hope. Deep down I don't think I'm worthy of being the person I dream of being and creating the life I want to live. I know I'm overly sensitive. The slightest perceived criticism can destroy me. So my whole life I have protected myself by hiding. I pretend to be less than I am. I pretend not to care about things that secretly I love or that have deep meaning to me. As soon as I get an inkling that I might be good at something I stop trying because I'm afraid of being ridiculed or thought of as too full of myself. I fear being really good at something and making other people jealous and angry or envious of my success. These fears have controlled every aspect of my life to some degree. One of the reasons I gained weight & have stayed heavy is because I didn'tlike the attention I got from the way I looked. I didn't want to stand out. I didn't follow through with college because I was afraid of success. As soon as I began getting compliments on my photography & started selling my graphic designs I quit working at it. I fear being successful even more than I fear failure. Maybe because deep down I know that if I really try I will succeed and I'm afraid of how others will react. It's all so complicated.

Years ago when I sold my first photograph I wrote on a post at DA about being afraid to claim being an artist or photographer and a photographer I admired gave me a wonderful pep talk and pointed out that it is just as much of a lie to devalue yourself as it is to overvalue. I have to stop lying about myself. I have to stop devaluing who I am. I know that I can't live my life anymore controlled by my fears. I want to be the person I know I'm capable of being. I want to live the life I've dreamed of. I want to make my husband and daughter proud. I want to make myself proud. I know it will be hard to break through these fears and I'll just have to take baby steps. Or maybe as Kelly Rae suggests I'll just have to pretend I am the person I want to be until it becomes a reality. I should start living my life the way I imagine I would if I were the strong, creative, beautiful & successful woman I've tried so hard NOT to be all these years. I'm committing myself to letting my light shine. I will sparkle. I will be a LIGHTBEARER!!


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous ? Actually, who are you not to be ? Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson "

6 comments:

  1. Hi Meegan! Just popping in from Kelly's course..... Love the "worthy" picture!! You blog looks great....

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  2. Dear BMM-I read the post-TWICE and it brings tears to my yes. Why? Because so many of us feel (or have felt) this exact same way. Really. This is a little personal but let me share it with you-about 5 years ago-I let a lot of people go out of my life; "friends" I had known forever, family members etc. Because when i was with these people, I had to "dumb down" and diminish who I am . I could not be myself around them because it was too threatening to them and I got the brunt of it (put-downs, snide comments, ridicule etc). The outcome of me doing this was magnificent! I had a solo exhibition, met my husband who is truly a blessing and have a beautiful baby. Once we own our power and step into it-without negation or apology-the Universe steps toward us too. And the people who really matter, who really love you-WANT YOU TO SUCCEED! What I am realising, more than ever, is that things don't have to be perfect (another disguise of fear) but I can honor my whole journey, the imperfect parts too. Love this picture of your arm reaching toward your baby girl-it has so many meanings to it-as if you are passing down your feeling of worthiness to her and the next generation. I am loving this class and am getting so much ot of it. Don't worry about popping over to my blog right now-I know that things are busy with baby and this class etc. We'll catch up whenever you get a minute. Things are going well here...very lonely and empty house but...I am pretty busy with baby and the class. Thanks so much for asking. xxx

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  3. Hi! I just checked my e-mail and found both the sale and your comment on my blog and I had to stop over here and say "thank you". I don't make impulsive purchases online very often either but sometime something touches your heart and it is meant to be yours. So thank you!

    THEN I read this post and oh my gosh, it was like reading my journal a few years ago. I couldn't believe it. I'm noticing a lot of us struggle with self worth and about claiming who we are but when you mentioned the weight thing- I deliberately gained weight in college because I was sick of the catcalls and guys pushing themselves at me. I didn't want to be noticed. I guess that was basically me in a nutshell for the next ten years. Then things started to change. I made the decision just to work and let God provide the inspiration. I decided to play and just enjoy my art time. What came of it was AMAZING! I set some goals and started to think things were possible. When I got my first acceptance to a national magazine I jumped up and down. Suddenly the little dreams were coming true and I realized that the big dreams might not be as hard as I thought. Out of nowhere I sent a book proposal to a major publisher and 5 months later it went before a pub board and I was on my way to being an author. All because I took the little steps, one at a time, and believed it was possible. Nothing bad has happened because of it, no shoe dropped on me- but I am beginning to live the life I longed for. You can too! I still feel vulnerable and the amount of me that I poured into that book is making me a little uncomfortable and afraid of rejection but it's still sooo worth it! Hope this helped. :)

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  4. Meegan, BlueMoonMamaJune 4, 2010 at 3:18 PM

    Thanks so much for sharing! I know exactly what you mean about having to diminish who you are to be accepted. I grew up seeing certain members of my family put down & criticize others for getting "above themselves" and I think I internalized that to mean I had better not succeed or I wouldn't be accepted anymore. I also got the message that to be loved I needed to do & be certain things. I don't think it was deliberate but it was how I was made to feel. It's hard to get over those lessons learned as a child. I'm going to work on it.

    You absolutely got the messages I was trying to send with my Worthy photo! Thanks you :)! I wanted to send the message that I am worthy, that because of motherhood I've learned my own worth and also that I will do my best to pass on that feeling to my children. We are all born worthy of love and deserve happiness in life but we rarely realize it. That's what I wanted to convey.

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  5. Meegan,
    I had to laugh when I read the part about Barney! I'm so glad that I'm not the only one finding philosophy in children's literature or television!

    I absolutely share your fears as well. So often, I think this is a problem with girls... we are taught not to stand out or overshadow anyone else because it's not "nice". Hopefully, if we can learn that we are worthy and succeed, we will teach our daughters the same. :)

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  6. Excavating dreams | ** Blue Moon Mama **June 17, 2010 at 5:26 PM

    [...] Rae’s ecourse she encouraged us all to write down our fears and also our dreams and goals. I did a post on my fears and what holds me back from achieving the life I want. Now here are a few goals to get me thru the [...]

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