The Universe has aligned to send me the same message everywhere I look. It started with Kelly Rae's flying lessons class which is talking about facing your fears and pushing through them to become the person you want to be and do the things you want to do. Just a few minutes ago while rocking my baby & watching the Sprout channel, Barney & Friends was teaching basically the same message of practicing, believing in yourself & persevering until you are able to do the things you want to do. Obviously this is something I need to pay attention to. And it feeds right into my own thoughts and feelings which have been swirling about in my head for the past few months.
I fear being open, honest and authentic because allowing others to see who I truly am makes me feel vulnerable; vulnerable to ridicule, vulnerable to rejection. I fear committing myself to anything because I'm terrified of giving my whole heart to something and then not living up to my dreams. It's easier to dream than to do. In a day dream I can accomplish anything but in real life sometimes a person can work their heart out and realize they can't live up to the dream and then the dream will be gone forever. I hold tight to the dreams, keeping them secretly in my heart but never try to accomplish them because I don't want to lose that secret hope. Deep down I don't think I'm worthy of being the person I dream of being and creating the life I want to live. I know I'm overly sensitive. The slightest perceived criticism can destroy me. So my whole life I have protected myself by hiding. I pretend to be less than I am. I pretend not to care about things that secretly I love or that have deep meaning to me. As soon as I get an inkling that I might be good at something I stop trying because I'm afraid of being ridiculed or thought of as too full of myself. I fear being really good at something and making other people jealous and angry or envious of my success. These fears have controlled every aspect of my life to some degree. One of the reasons I gained weight & have stayed heavy is because I didn'tlike the attention I got from the way I looked. I didn't want to stand out. I didn't follow through with college because I was afraid of success. As soon as I began getting compliments on my photography & started selling my graphic designs I quit working at it. I fear being successful even more than I fear failure. Maybe because deep down I know that if I really try I will succeed and I'm afraid of how others will react. It's all so complicated.
Years ago when I sold my first photograph I wrote on a post at DA about being afraid to claim being an artist or photographer and a photographer I admired gave me a wonderful pep talk and pointed out that it is just as much of a lie to devalue yourself as it is to overvalue. I have to stop lying about myself. I have to stop devaluing who I am. I know that I can't live my life anymore controlled by my fears. I want to be the person I know I'm capable of being. I want to live the life I've dreamed of. I want to make my husband and daughter proud. I want to make myself proud. I know it will be hard to break through these fears and I'll just have to take baby steps. Or maybe as Kelly Rae suggests I'll just have to pretend I am the person I want to be until it becomes a reality. I should start living my life the way I imagine I would if I were the strong, creative, beautiful & successful woman I've tried so hard NOT to be all these years. I'm committing myself to letting my light shine. I will sparkle. I will be a LIGHTBEARER!!
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous ? Actually, who are you not to be ? Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson "