The photo to the right is a sampling of the journals & notebooks I've used to collect my thoughts and writings over the past few years. There are more of them scattered all over the house and in storage. For as long as I can remember I've been fascinated by books. My mother often tells a story of finding me lounging on the couch at two years old, holding a book upside down in front of me. When asked what I was doing I told her that I was just relaxing and reading a book. In Kindergarten we were allowed to go to the library once every two weeks and check out a book. I couldn't read yet but it was still my favorite thing about school. I loved the smell of the books. I loved the words on the crisp white pages. When I learned to read and write I began collecting notebooks and filling them with my thoughts, daydreams and stories. I wanted to be a writer. But I never told anyone. I just didn't believe it was possible. Fast forward 30+ years and I deep down I still want to be a writer. And I still don't believe in my abilities.
Two years ago for my birthday I had a psychic reading on Catalina Island. The psychic was amazingly insightful and (so far) seemingly accurate. She told me all sorts of things about myself and my husband that rang true. She told me that my husband's family would go through a crises (health) and lean heavily on him, which came true just weeks later. She told me that I would have a daughter, which recently came true. She also told me that writing is my reason for being. That it is something I must do. My destiny. She said that I could be a very positive guiding light to others, particularly other women. That I MUST persue writing, especially on the subjects relating to women and to experiences of the heart. She said that I was a pilgrim (goosebumps again because I'd used pilgrimsoul as an online name for years), a traveler, a seeker and that one day I should lead others in self exploration. I was taken aback. I hadn't told her anything about myself and I don't know how she knew my secret dream. She went on to say that I am a natural healer with a strong psychic ability that I hide from, that it's why I distance myself from others and that my soul needs to express itself on a creative and spiritual level for me to be truly fullfilled but that I won't be able to accomplish any of these things unless I allow myself the freedom to be who I truly am. I have to embrace who I am, stop holding myself back, and go after my dreams. I find myself thinking about her words all the time.
What I really want in life is to create beauty. To somehow leave the world a little bit of light and beauty that didn't exist before. Maybe that's one of the reasons I love motherhood so much. I've finally created a unique bit of beauty to give to the world in the form of my child. I'd like to contribute more. I feel like I have something to offer. I'm just not sure what it is.
My goal for the year, or the next few years if necessary, is to become as authentically me as I can be. To stop hiding my light, to stop being beige and embrace the kaleidoscope of colors inside of me. It may take a lot of excavation but I'm finally willing to work at it. I'm going to start really working on my meager talents instead of just saying "Oh well, I'll never be good enough so why bother." I'm going to start taking small steps to create the kind of life I've dreamed of.
Recently, Lis posted a comment here asking me to ask myself how I want to FEEL in this life/career/vocation etc and letting that guide me. I've been thinking about that alot (thanks Lis for the inspiration!) and trying to get a crystalline vision of what I am wanting to become. It's going to sound silly but when I closed my eyes and concentrated on how I want to feel I had an immediate gut reaction. I want to feel that I'm filled with the white light of pure love. That it glows out of me and infuses everyone I touch. I had brief moments of feeling that way long ago and I want to get myself back to a place where I can achieve that feeling again.
So far I've done a lot of talking. I need to start taking concrete steps towards my dreams. At the beginning of Kelly Rae's ecourse she encouraged us all to write down our fears and also our dreams and goals. I did a post on my fears and what holds me back from achieving the life I want. Now here are a few goals to get me thru the rest of the year:
- I'm challenging myself to 77 straight days of blogging. Beginning on July 1st and lasting until September 15th (my 38th birthday!) I will post to my blog each evening NO MATTER WHAT. The posts might not be deep and meaningful. They don't have to be. I just need to start writing again about anything so that I can learn to let the words flow. Slowly but surely they will begin to flow more fluidly if I just practice.
- I will sign up for at least 2 more ecourses this year focusing on either writing, photography, or life improvement (better yet would be to find a course encompassing all 3).
- As soon as we return from our vacation (late July) I will start a daily exercise practice that includes learning YOGA. I've always wanted to learn and I think now I NEED to learn it for spiritual as well as physical reasons.
- I will begin loving myself. How? Talking positively to myself every day, placing affirmations around the house, focusing on the energy I project out to the world and eliminating negativity from my life in any area that I can (such as TV, books, people, unhealthy foods, etc.) I'm going to use my baby Nora as my barometer. If something isn't good enough in my eyes for her then it isn't good enough for me either.
- I am going to learn to express myself. I will write. I will create art. I will dress in a way that reflects who I am and makes my heart soar.
- I will submit photographs or art work to contests & magazines. Not because I hope to win but just because I want to be SEEN.
- I am going to work on my online shops so that they appeal to me aesthetically but most importantly I will add TONS of content! I have so many photos I need to edit and get into the shop, not to mention tons of ideas for t-shirt designs.
- By the end of the year I will have made a photobook for Nora commemorating her first year of life and another book with a yet to be determined theme to put in my shop.
- I will learn to cook 10 meals that are healthy & DELICIOUS.
- I will learn to do at least basic sewing with my new fancy sewing machine and I will make bedroom curtains, pillows, and simple clothes for Nora.
Does that seem like too much to accomplish in approximately 6 months? I'm going to do my best. If anyone has any suggestions on how I can accomplish these, feel free to comment! I'm particularly interested in finding great ecourses,groups or tutorials. Help is always appreciated!!!
Inspired by a line from a William Butler Yeats poem that has stuck with me for years. I love the idea of running towards your dreams, of RUNNING TO PARADISE!