Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Never enough time... confession of a happy but overwhelmed new mom
I'm about to admit horrible facts about my beautiful wonderful disorganized chaotic life. I am not a good housekeeper. I never have been more than a spit and polish kind of housekeeper. I straighten things and pray nobody notices the dust. I would much rather spend my time reading a book or editing my photos or reading blogs. Plus, I'm just a little bit lazy. This was fine before having my baby but now that Nora is here and I have even less time for things I actually find myself wanting my house to be ultra clean and organized. It's the same with projects. I've always been a procrastinator. I get great ideas, start a project, and rarely get very far before I move on to something else. Since having the baby I find myself really really wanting to get all my little projects finished but I have NO TIME. It's like the universe is laughing at me. Before when I had all the time in the world I wasn't motivated to do anything with it other than idle it away. Now that I have this tiny little miracle that wants and deserves every moment of my attention I find myself desperate to do all these other things like cleaning house, planting a vegetable garden, and finishing all these projects I've started. My husband bought me this ultra fancy sewing machine that I've been drooling over for years and I haven't even looked at it yet even though I'm dying to learn how to make some baby clothes. I have the nesting instinct in overload and a baby that refuses to nap and never wants to spend a moment outside of my arms. Not that Nora is a fussy baby. She's actually an angel of sunshine and I've never seen a more smiley or happy child but she loves to interact & play with me. So I'm cuddling her on the porch or playing with her in the floor instead of doing all the projects and work that I feel I should be doing. Not to mention that my poor husband who use to be the center of my attention rarely gets any now. I can't remember the last time I gave him a back massage, something he loves and I use to do all the time. I miss it. I miss having hours on end to do my own thing. I guess this is what every new mom has to go through and adjust too. Honestly it wouldn't bother me at all if I didn't have all this energy and desire to be DOING THINGS. It's like I kicked into high gear when I had the baby but I'm stuck revving my engines at the starting gate. There's just no time for me to get anything done. Grrrr, do I sound like a whiner or what? I think what I really need is to figure out a way to organize my time better. And I need to get Nora to nap on a regular basis. The only reason I'm able to type here now is because my sweet little angel fell asleep for once, probably because she had vaccinations yesterday and her system is dealing with those. So, knowing I'll only have about 45 minutes since she takes very short naps when she takes them at all, I decided to dye my hair (the gray roots are starting to really show through,ick!), shower, clean the toilet (hadn't managed to do that in 3 weeks!another ick), and jump on line for a very quick update. If I'm very very very lucky I may even get to print out a few photos that I need for an art project I started just after Nora was born. I'd really love to get it finished this week. I feel pulled in so many directions now. I think what I need is just for someone to sit me down and say it's all okay. I don't have to be superwoman. No one is going to judge me because I have dirty dishes in the sink and an unmade bed. I don't have to get everything done at once. One of the biggest downsides to not living near any of my family or friends is never having anyone around to say Relax, you're doing a great job and everything is going to be great. BIG SIGH.
Okay, that's enough feeling sorry for myself. It's nice to have a journal again and be able to come here and unload some of the baggage that I'm carrying around all the time. I adore being a mommy and love my life. I just wish I had more time during the day to get everything I want to do done. As Nora gets bigger I hope I'll be able to manage my time a bit better. Until then I'll just have to take one day at a time and stop putting so much pressure on myself. After all, none of it really matters except that I enjoy Nora, love her, and cherish this special time. I Know it's going to pass by so quickly and in the long run I'd rather have spent the time cuddling and playing with her. Projects and housekeeping will always be there. She won't always be a baby.