Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Clearing debris

As I posted yesterday, I feel like I'm becoming more myself every day. Stronger, more awake & aware, more ALIVE. I'm not feeling hopeless, or helpless, or lethargic anymore. Life has new vitality & meaning. Each day I feel a little bit better. I was telling this to my midwife at my 6 week check up about a month ago, explaining how I'd been depressed for so many years & suddenly feel rejuvenated. She said maybe you were just needing & waiting for this (motherhood). I loved that thought. It makes a lovely circle, that I had to give life to my daughter so she could give life back to me. It's not that I think motherhood is the only thing that can define me. I know I'm more than a mother or wife. I'm myself and that is enough everything. Becoming a mom & the unconditional love I feel for my baby has spilled over into all aspects of my life. I feel like I've found myself. I feel filled with love & with life. Complete.

Today I was sitting on the porch wearing Nora in her sling. It's a gorgeous spring day. I just had an urge to be a part of it. To be outside & active. So I grabbed a rake. Nora & I spent about 15 minutes raking a tiny area of the yard. Not much activity in the grand scheme of things but for me it's a mini breakthrough. Last year I might have thought about raking & enjoying time outside but I would have probably spent the time napping or sitting in front of the tv instead. Today I DID SOMETHING. Instead of dreaming or watching I was moving and doing. It felt really really good.


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