Friday, February 26, 2010

Finding my voice


A recent post by Creating Wings got me to thinking about authenticity and how I share myself with other's, particularly online. I'm a homebody, rather reserved in the real world. I worry about how I'm perceived by others, wanting to be liked and seen as a kind, loving, creative, nice person. Sometimes that leads to hiding my real self, trying to conceal anything that isn't perfect and often keeping my real thoughts and feelings hidden. I keep a blog because I want a place to express myself freely, to share my inner world and the me that  often no one sees. But even here in the relative anonymity of the blogosphere I've found myself fearful of being judged. I've struggled a long time with trying to find my voice online and creating a blog that truly expresses who I am and want to be. Maybe that's why I've had so many different blogs. Each one represented a small part of who I was but none of them really captured my different layers. I'm best when I'm able to bare my soul freely without censure or self conciousness. That's never been really easy for me and has become increasing difficult in recent years for several reasons. First because more and more of my friends and family have come online and could easily stumble across my ramblings and musings. Second because I'm married to a man that strongly values his privacy and might not be comfortable with my offering up our private lives for public scrutiny. Finally because I worry about what random readers will think of me and wonder if I'm holding their interest, boring or offending anyone. It's a fine line to walk trying to share my truth while trying not to offend, bore, or violate the privacy of others. I don't want to feel stifled but I don't want to invade the privacy of those I care for. I don't want to be too vulnerable and yet I want to share my inner world. It can all be so complicated sometimes. I will try to make this space a reflection of who I am. Just remember as you read what I write that I am more than what is captured here. This can only ever show a small portion of my life and I will probably write mostly about the good and uplifting aspects because that"s what I want to focus on & remember in years to come. In real life I do bicker with my husband and occasionally yell at the dog.  My shelves & knickknacks rarely get dusted.  I procrastinate & I take forever to make decisions. But I am also filled with love & poetry & light. Hopefully I'll find a way to share all of this through my blog & sing my heartsongs authentically and with joy.

Years ago I wrote a poem (i use the word loosely since I'm no poet) that sort of expresses how I feel & what I hope to find a bit of in the blogging community.

Will you...


Will you still love me if I'm outrageous,outspoken, bold, bodacious, inconstant, outlandish,obscene, melancholy,superfluous, superficial and extreme?


Will you love me when I climb on my soapbox and spout my often ill informed, idealistic and even contradictory philosophies?


Will you love my silliness and eccentricities? Will you be a safe harbor for my inner truth, the me I hide from the world, my scared little girl soul?


Will you judge me?


Will you love me less the more that I am myself?


Will you grow with me as I grow, loving me for all the things about me that are different from you?


Will you love me, not in spite of my many failings and frailties but because of them?


Will you love me without labeling me?


..... this is how I will love you.


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Stifled my soul can not breath. Must I fit inside a neat little box, carefully labeled and 2 dimensional? I am ever changing, please don't hold me down. My voice leaves me when I feel judged. Brittle cold empty wordless, I am not me when I am trying to earn your love. I am just mirroring you. Can I be myself, brazenly and without fear?

I am a glittering winged creature when blessed with unconditional acceptance. Allow me my wings.


2 comments:

  1. Your words here resonate deeply with me Meegan. It's so hard sometimes to say what you really feel while keeping the confidence of loved ones. I worry about that but also worry (maybe too much) about keeping my blog positive and not letting it fall into a "woe is me" kind of place - that's probably the hardest and when I get quiet for long periods of time, it's usually because I've fallen into that hole and don't want to put anybody off by posting about it.

    I love your poem, but want to offer a suggestion... read it to yourself, changing "you" to "I" - can you love you even when you're all those things that are so scary? I wonder this all the time and am finally learning (slowly) to focus more on loving myself than worrying so much about whether the world will love me. It's infinitely hard and I have a loooooooooong way to go, but I think it represents some of the most important work we have to do in our lives - even more so when we have daughters to set an example for.

    So glad to see you back in the blogosphere. I'll post a response to your tag and get you back on my favorites list right away!

    Blessings,
    Kelley

    P.S. CONGRATULATIONS on your new family additio!!! Your little girl is just a doll and I'm so VERY happy for you.

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  2. Kelley, your suggestion about my poem immediately hit home with me and moved me deeply. If I could learn to love & accept myself in the way that I wish others would then I wouldn't actually NEED their approval. That would be so liberating. It's something I really need to work at, and something I want to teach my daughter. I don't want her to carry around the same baggage I have, the same kind my own mother carries as well. Thanks for your wonderful insight!

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