I need to change my life. Well, mostly, I just need to change how I take care of myself. If I don't get my weight under control and create a more active, healthy lifestyle I'm afraid I'll die young. I feel hideous lately. The quarter mile walk into the hospital each evening to visit John's dad leaves me winded and panting for air. I have lots of sharp little pains in my chest and stomach. My knees and ankles ache and going up stairs is very painful. It's all because of my weight and my sedentary lifestyle. My being overweight affects me emotionally as well. I snap at John much more often. I'm more moody and crabby. I'm just not the happy person I want to be because I'm not taking care of myself. I weigh 315 lbs. It's time I start working on fixing this problem. I want a long life with my husband. I want to have a baby with him. I want the confidence to go out in the world and do things, instead of hiding inside ashamed of myself. I want my life back.
I'm starting off slowly, with little changes. I'm cutting out red meat and poultry. I think a mainly vegetarian diet will make me feel better and definitely be better for my heart. I'm going to work on eating smaller portions. I'm not going to worry obsessively about calorie intake right now. I want to take this in baby steps so that I can make this a true lifestyle change and not just another fad diet that I'll fall off of after a few months of overly strict deprivation.
I owe it to myself, and to John, to work towards becoming the woman I know I can be. I want to finally feel like I'm living up to my potential instead of hiding from the world under 200 extra pounds of fat.
Being fat is a built-in excuse for me not to try at anything. It makes it easy for me to hide. To refuse to try new things or take risks. To refuse to embrace life and really live. I allow myself to blame everything on my weight. I can be invisible by being fat. No one expects much from a fat person. No one really pays them any attention. I'm tired of hiding from the world. I want to feel strong, competent, in control, in charge, beautiful and SEXY. I want to feel alive, awake, involved. I want to be a productive person. I can't do that hiding in my bedroom stuffing myself with chips, cakes, soda and ice cream while I watch tv and daydream about the woman I wish I could be and the life I wish I could create for myself. I have to start creating that life now. It's all up to me. I deserve to be better. My husband deserve it too. He's such a good man. He's loved me through all of this and he's never even really seen me at my best. It's time to show him that side of myself.