There is a double fudge chocolate cake sitting downstairs on the dinning room table and I haven't had a bite of it. I've passed that cake (not purchased by me) at least 3 times and it hasn't once called out to me. Even now as I'm thinking about it, it means nothing to me. No craving for it, no desire to rush downstairs and lop off a gigantic corner piece. I don't get it. Today I'm not tempted by it's delicious chocolate goodness but there have been days when I think I'd have sold my soul for a piece. Days when I've woken up and felt utterly compelled to hit the grocery store for Ben & jerry's ice cream washed down by a vat of Pepsi and followed with a chaser of jalapeno chips and cheese salsa dip. I don't understand how I can be completely unconcerned with food on some days and then BAM the obsession kicks in. Is it hormonal? Is it emotional? How do I maintain this feeling of control and equilibrium? How do I keep the food from having power over me? I want every day to be like this, without a feeling that I absolutely MUST eat that junk food, NEED to eat it or horrible things shall happen and I will live in misery & deprivation unless I can gobble down sweet, salty, fatty, bad stuff that in my heart I know I don't really want but the compulsion is to strong to overcome. If I could just figure out what is driving those days where I feel that the only way I can survive is to eat everything in sight maybe I could truly conquer my weight problems. I'd give anything to always feel like I do today, as if I can take food or leave it, it doesn't have any control over me. That is my greatest dream at the moment.
Diet update: Yesterday went great, 1300 calories. Today is going fine as well. Tomorrow will be my first weigh in so I'll finally see exactly how much damage I did during the two months I feel off the dieting wagon. Time to start making some goals.