A wonderful post at Journey of a Thousand Miles has reminded me that I started this journal as a place to be really open and honest about the struggles I'm going through during this process of self improvement. I meant it to be a place I could whine and rant and wail and laugh and cry over the trials and tribulations I knew that I'd face. I hoped by finally being honest with myself and others, that it would help me to face the many issues that have led me to this place and, hopefully, overcome them. I think that the biggest reason I have stopped taking care of myself and allowed my weight to get this out of control is DENIAL. I have pretended I'm okay, pretended I'm not scared to death about my health, pretended that I look better than I do, that I'm not really as fat as I actually am or as miserable as I often am. I don't want to do that anymore. I want, I need, to be really truly myself. FINALLY. So, that is what I'm going to work at. I'm going to try and start posting more often, not just the good things either. I hope that it won't put off whomever reads here, but honestly if you can't deal with the real me then why should I care what you think :). Not that I'm generally a very angst ridden and depressed person, but I do have my moments of those feelings and it's time I own them. Time I own all parts of myself.
All this talk about being Real reminds me of the Velveteen Rabbit, one of my all time favorite books.
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."