Friday, May 25, 2007

Finally able to update

Anyone out there have suggestions for how to keep focused on the Now instead of obsessing on the mistakes of the past and the desperate desire for instant gratification?

I've wanted to write long winded whiney posts about how depressed I am at what a slow process this weight loss stuff is, but Livejournal wouldn't let me post anything to my journal for the last two days. Now it's working but I'm not feeling as whiney :). It's hard sometimes to keep my spirits upbeat when I think of how incredibly long this journey is going to take. I want to be thin and healthy NOW. I like instant gratification, but I guess that's why I've ended up weighing so much. Food is instant gratification. I always felt great from the moment I began to eat. Unfortunately the feeling would end with the last bite and I'd have to live with the extra five pounds each binge added.  It's not worth it in the long run, but eating sure did feel pretty good while I was doing it.

I guess I'm feeling more positive about everything today. Lol, that's not a very wholehearted endorsement there is it? But it's what I can muster at the moment. I'm being great on my diet this week and I always feel better when I'm not over eating. The only thing making me feel down is the constant thoughts about how long this is going to take, and the guilt I've been feeling lately for allowing myself to get this out of control. I use to have a great body. Healthy and thin and strong. I hate what I've done to myself. I also feel guilty that my husband has never really seen me at my best. He's never seen me truly confident and happy with myself. I can be a pretty bubbly, outgoing and energetic person when I'm healthy and feeling good about myself but he's never really gotten to see that. Even though I know he loves me just as I am, I still feel like I've cheated him of something. And I feel as if I've cheated myself.

I've got to stop dwelling on the past and the guilt and the self pity. Life is what it is and I have to make the best of it as I try to improve myself. That's what I'm going to focus on over the next weeks.

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