As I write this entry I'm actually sitting in the park near my house, trying hard not to squint as I stare at the blinding whiteness of the notebook paper on my lap. It is a startlingly gorgeous day of brilliant golden sunlight and lazy puffy white clouds that look like fluffy lambs floating in the intensely blue sky. We're having the perfect weather that southern california is famous for, though it is a bit windy this afternoon.
I had to get out of the house today, had to escape the tiny cluttered dark little room where I usually pass the days in front of my computer. I live a hermetic existence on the weekdays while my husband is at work, alone and cut off from the world despite all the websites I visit. I don't see or speak to anyone except my husband, unless you count the occasional comments exchanged here at LJ or at the discussion board for my online college class. I am too much alone with myself. My husband is forever encouraging me to get out in the world but I feel safe & secure in the little corner I've created, though sometimes a bit lonely. I think one of the biggest hurdles an extremely overweight person faces is simply overcoming the desire to isolate yourself and withdraw from life. It's definitely one of the biggest problems for me, that and overcoming the lethargy/ inertia. It's just so much easier to sit in a chair than to walk to a park.
Today however I did just that. I got up out of my chair. I turned off the computer and left my cozy ,if depressing, little corner of the world and meandered the hundred meters over to a little park beside my house. I just HAD to get out. Lately I've been feeling so restless & unfocused, completely unable to concentrate on anything and feeling almost as if there is an incessant buzzing inside of me. Maybe my internal batteries are on the fritz :). I just felt like I needed to get out, get away from everything, and be outside; a part of the world, soaking up the wind and the sun. So here I sit on the green grass under a lovely tree in the park. Birds are singing & I hear wind chimes tinkling in the breeze. Overhead a flock of seagulls are doing lazy circles and far off in the distance I can hear a train horn blowing. There is a lot of activity on the bike path beside the park & I enjoy watching the joggers & cyclists as they make the mile and a half trek to the ocean.
Already the buzzing inside of me is subsiding. I'm feeling quieter, calmer, focused and more in tune with myself. I can actually here myself think. For me, nature is a spiritual gift. I feel connected with the universe & creation. Every flower, every leaf is a prayer and each meadow is a cathedral.
Why do I not let myself enjoy this everyday? I could be outside, enjoying the world. There is nothing forcing me to stay cooped up in the the house isolating myself. It's just another way that I deliberately deny myself joy and happiness. Simple things like flowers and leaves dancing the the wind give me immense satisfaction and yet I rarely allow myself these simple pleasures. It all comes down to my feelings of being unworthy of happiness and good things. More than anything I need to work on getting over those feelings.
I'm adding a new goal to my self improvement plan: Spend time each day outside enjoying our beautiful world. I can sit here in the park or at the beach. I can go for a walk & photograph our neighborhood. I can head to one of the nearby, more 'artsy' towns and visit a gallery or just sit on a bench and people watch. The point is to be out in the world, reconnecting with myself & listening to my inner voice and concentrating on doing small things that make me happy. I need to celebrate life & embrace the simple joys.
The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate. Oprah Winfrey:
Come forth into the light of things,
Let Nature be your teacher.
In all things of nature there is something of the marvelous.
Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly.
Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.
Leon J. Suenes