Yesterday, while sorting through photographs from the past year, I had an epiphany. Looking at dozens of images of myself I was confronted with the reality that I am truly, unhealthily fat. An utter slug and outrageously gigantic.
You would have thought that barely being able to aqueeze into size 28 stretch denim jeans, having my heart nearly burst when I climb up stairs, or hearing my husband say that he's worried about my health would have all been wake up calls to clue me into the horrid state of my personal health. Nope. Not me. I went blythely along, trying to pretend none of that existed. It took really looking, for the first time, at images of myself to truly see what I've done. I looked huge!! And being a bit vain at heart, this hit me hard. I don't want to look like this. I want to be the thin, in shape, pretty woman that I imagine myself to be.
So, today I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm starting a journey towards reinventing myself. I'm finally going to work towards become the "real" me, the me I am on the inside. This is going to be a long, hard, miserable struggle. I'll probably backslide a bit once in awhile. I expect I'm going to do a lot of whining & complaining along the way. Food has been my way of dealing with emotions, so I'm expecting a rollercoaster ride of feelings. That's why I'm creating this journal as my first step on the path to good health & change. This is my place to rant, complain, whine, cry, laugh, and basically let go as I work my ass off (literally).
Today I weigh 305lbs. My dream weight is 145 lbs, but I'd probably be happy so long as I'm under 160 lbs. I'd like to loose all the weight and have a new, active, healthy life style & better self esteem by my 36th birthday which is about 17 months away. That means I need to lose around 8 pounds each month. I think that should be do-able. I'm praying that it is. So, this is where I begin. Wish me luck!
If anyone out there in the internet world stumbles across this, feel free to post comments. I need all the support I can get.