Sunday, November 26, 2006

a place to call my own

I'm obsessing over a flier that I saw yesterday. It was stuck to a store window on Del Mar street in San Clemente, one of my favorite places. The flier was an advert to rent out a room above the store. It was $550 a month. It would be a wonderful place for a studio/office space and all I can think about is renting it for myself. Silly and impractical I know. I'm not at a stage where I make much money from my photos and designs. I certainly don't earn enough to justify the expense of a studio. My daydreamer side keeps whispering that if I DID have such a space I'd be able to earn more. I'd have room to make craft items, take portrait photos, have a decent office set up that makes it easier to get my photomanipulations and graphic art work done. I'd feel more legitimate, a professional artist instead of someone that just plays around and dabbles. I could justify the expense in my head a bit by also using the space to store the stuff I have stuck in storage, which we pay about $225 for every month. Giving up the storage space and applying that money to the office space would mean I technically only pay $275 for the office. Even with that, I still can't justify the expense. Not until I'm able to consistently earn more money. Perhaps someday I'll be able to have a space like that, a place to call mine. I didn't even realize it was something I wanted until I saw that flier. Now I've got something new to dream about.

Maybe a bit of the reason why such a space is appealing to me is simply to have something that is JUST MINE. I know it sounds selfish, and I feel badly for sometimes craving it,but I miss having my own space. Some place where I don't have to consider what another person wants, where I don't have to make even the slightest compromise. Being married is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I love it more than words but a tiny corner inside of me deeply misses my independence and autonomy. I was alone for the majority of my adult life. I did what I wanted, bought what I wanted, made my decisions with only my own interests in mind. Now I have another person to think of and consider. I can't always do just what I want and that has been a harder adjustment than I admit too. Sometimes I miss that freedom. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I worked outside the home, if I had an identity outside of my marriage. I think that's why the idea of a studio of my own is so appealing. I'd feel like I had a job, a place I went to away from my home/marriage where I could be in charge and independent, yet I wouldn't have to answer to anyone else as I would at a typical job. Probably everyone's dream, right? :)

So that's what I'm thinking about this lovely,romantically gloomy and drizzly, cool Monday morning.

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