Thursday, March 17, 2005

A great Loss

I lost my grandma last week and spent the past 7 days in Missouri with my husband attending her funeral. I'm posting the update I did for deviant art here. There is more detail I'd like to add, thoughts I should explore further but I just don't have time right now. Too many other things running through my head and too much work around the house that needs doing. But here is an update.

It's been a really rough time for my family and I. Although my Grandma hadn't been feeling well for some months there was no indication that she would be leaving us. We just weren't prepared at all. I guess no one really can be prepared for the loss of a loved one. She was an amazing woman, just 71, with 5 children, 7 grandchildren, and 3 great grandchildren. Everyone who knew her was drawn in by her bright smile and engaging personality. The comfort in all of this is that she loved well, knew she was loved in return, and is now enjoying the next life with her beloved husband, my grandpa. She left behind amazing memories for all of us to cherish. She also left me her last journal and memory book. I've only been able to read a passage or two because it's all just too painful right now but her words will be a great comfort in the future.

John was my rock. From the moment I found out that she had passed he was there for me, supporting me. Never in my life have I felt so completely cared for or protected. I didn't really think we could go back home for the funeral. It's only been two months since our wedding and money isn't free flowing. An unplanned, last minute trip is incredibly expensive. Still, John arranged it all. We were on a plane within 3 hrs of finding out she was gone and I was with my family that evening. It was where I needed to be and John knew that even better than I did. He took off work without any kind of notice (thank goodness he works for a great company) so that he could take care of me and come home with me. He was even a pall bearer at the funeral. It wasn't easy on him but he was so strong and completely THERE for me in every sense. There aren't enough words to express how appreciative I am of everything he does for me, of everything he is as a person. This horrible time brought us even closer together and bonded us even more tightly. What i feel for him is beyond love. There isn't a word I can think of that adequately expresses what I feel for him.

I think that returning home for a brief visit is going to help me settle more securely into my new life. I missed things about my new home and new life while I was revisiting my old one. I love and miss my family of course but this is my life now. John. California. There is no going back, only forward. Time and Life don't stand still. I'm going to sink roots into this new life. My only regret is that there is so much I want to discuss with my Grandma, who went through similar situations. She left her family behind to start a new life in a new place with her husband. We didn't really get to discuss all of that very much and I wish we could now. I loved our long talks and will hold those memories close to me.

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