Sunday, November 14, 2004

musings at midnight

John is sleeping. Thanks to modern technology I have a 24 hr view into his bedroom which is really comforting when I can't fall asleep and start to feel lonely. He's such a sweetheart to always keep the cam on. The phone he gave me for my birthday has been really nice too. I LOVE it when he randomly calls me during the day to chat, or in the evening when we're too tired to sit at the computer and instead curl up in bed to chat for hours. I am so looking forward to our wedding and FINALLY being together. I love him madly.

Even though I'm desperate to marry him and start our life together it is hard to imagine. Until I met John I had never even really been out of Missouri. I'd never been further than a quick drive from any of my family members. Independence is not something greatly admired in my family. We're incredibly close knit and a bit insular. Or clannish. It's bizarre to think of being out in the real world on my own. I've lived my whole life in a small town, surrounded by other small towns. The population in my town is about 1500. Most of the other towns around here are the same size. I've never even driven on a major interstate, or a highway with more than two lanes. How backwards is that? Strangely enough I'm more excited than scared about all the new experiences facing me. I doubt I could be in for more of a culture shock. I'm moving from the midwestern boonies to southern california. When I say "We're going into the city" I'll no longer be refering to St. Louis but to Los Angeles; a massive difference! I don't own a bathing suit and can't swim but the ocean will be a five minute walk from my house. When I think about it, I often feel like Dorothy opening the farmhouse door and findin OZ. Or maybe I'm Alice about to tumble down the rabbit hole? Either way it's a bit thrilling and disconcerting at the same time.

The major drawback to my new life is leaving the people in the old life behind. I know I'll call and write my family. We'll visit once or twice a year. Still, it will never be the same. It's almost like a little death for my family. This is the first break we've had. No one has ever moved away before, no in my immediate family of parents and sibling or in the more distant branches of Aunts and Uncles. Everyone has just cruised along, doing the same things year after year. No changes every happen. My moving will be a major disruption. I worry particularly about my Mom. Her whole life has been about her three kids. Since she had me at 17 she's really never been alone or on her own. She always had her kids around her. Now my brother and sister have married and live in homes of there own. I'm the only "kid" left in her house. It's very hard for her to think of one of us being so far away from her, where she can't make sure we're happy or well taken care of. Also, I'm the only companionship she has in the evenings. My father goes off to work around 2pm and works nights so my mom and I have always been on our own together. We have our own little routines, tv shows we watch together, etc. Soon she'll be alone for the first time in her life really. I worry about that. I worry about her being lonely and missing me. There isn't anything I can do about it and really, it's something that normally would have been faced many years ago. I know that once I'm gone from the house my Mom will develop more of her own life & routines, but in the transition period I worry for her. I can't do anything about it. I can't live my life for other people and I know she wouldn't want that. She's encouraged me constantly and wants me to follow my heart, but it doesn't make the guilt less. It's not overwhelming, just a dull little aching sadness sometimes. We all want to protect our loved ones from pain. Well Enough about that. There isn't much I can do about it other than to be incredibly supportive and try to stay in as close contact with my family as I can.

The wedding plans are moving along fine. We're having a nice, simple wedding held in a nearby hotel with a small dinner catered by a local restaurant. It should move smoothly. We've only invited about 50 people, mostly my family. John's family is quite small and a few of them can't come but several members will be there. One of his sister's will be maid of honor and my sister is matron of honor. We're basically keeping it a family affair. I ordered my dress from a dress maker on EBAY. Less than $300 and it was made especially for me. It's exactly what I wanted and I love it! I can hardly wait to wear it for John. Since we began our relationship over emails discussing our love for old movies we made our invitations look like movie posters. They turned out very well. Everyone really liked them. Everything has gone so smoothly that I'm acutally a little worried. NO wedding is suppose to be this problem free. I'm scared to death something will go wrong at the last minute, like with getting the wedding license. We can't apply for it until John arrives here 5 days before the wedding and that's cutting it rather close. I also worry about the weather. I could definitely see us having a freak blizzard just in time to screw things up. LOL, do I sound like a worried bride-to-be or what? All in all, I'll be very very happy when January 1st rolls around and I'm standing at the altar (or in this case, under a tulle covered arch) and marrying the man I love. What better way to mark a new year than to begin a new life? :)

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