Thursday, August 26, 2004

Random thoughts at 4 am

The men I've known have been as changeable as the wind, one moment hot and heavy, the next cold and bitter. They love you passionately in the morning and by nightfall have become distant and detached. It has molded my outlook on relationships, on what to expect (the unexpected, and often the worst). I grew up on betrayal and rejection, watching my mother suffer through first an abusive cheating marriage and then a marriage of settling and convenience. Abandoned by my own biological father. Raised by a man I found it impossible to respect. My own first love experience was enough to make me a attempt to take my own life. I allowed very few people to become close to me after that. Needless to say, I carry a few scars around.

Then in walks this amazing man that wants the best for me. He loves me, supports me, is my dearest friend, and has offered me his name and a new life. He deserves for me to love him with an open and unjaded heart. He deserves complete trust. He deserves someone that firmly believes in happily ever after. 95% of the time I can give him that without effort. But then once in a blue moon those old scars rear their head and I suffer pangs of insecurity, posessiveness, and even jealousy. I'd like to seal us up in a bubble with no one else allowed in, where we'll be safe from the changes and problems all couples face. But life isn't like that. I do my best not to give in to these old fears, which are founded on past hurts and not even vaguelly a product of our relationship. This beautiful, sweet soul loves me and I am honored to be his choice. I want to give him the best that there is in me to give, untarnished by the past. I work at this. Perhaps someday those scars will disappear. They fade a bit every single day that I share my heart with this wonderful man.

No comments:

Post a Comment