Saturday, November 1, 2003

Getting serious

I want to marry him. I catch myself day dreaming about it a lot, not about a wedding, but about marriage. Living together, building a life, spending time with eachother. Laughing, fighting, loving, and just being there every day for eachother. I want that with him. He is the man I want as my partner in life. I know it with all of my heart. We're headed in that direction. I know he loves me and wants to be with me. I just wish it could be soon. I wish we could just run off and elope right now! Patience is not one of my virtues ;), but I'm going to learn. I enjoy what we have together now. He's my heart and soul. My best friend and the reason I wake up smiling in the morning. So, if it takes five years before we're at a place where we can become husband and wife, then I'll wait as long as it takes. I just desperately want to be with him and to start living a life together. I look forward to all of it, getting engaged, planning a little wedding, preparing to start a life together; but the best part will be belonging to eachother. He believes in me, which makes me believe in myself. I want to be the best I can be for him and yet I don't feel pressured to be anything but myself. Actually he makes me feel safe enough to truly be myself. I let him see the real me. I don't hide. I know it's incredibly corny to say it, but he completes me. Ugh, I'm even looking forward to taking his last name; something I swore I'd never do, but now it's what I want. Goodness, when did I become so traditional?? For awhile, the thought of leaving my family and moving across the country to be with him was scary but now it just feels inevitable. I've accepted it and have begun to look forward to it. It will be an adventure. I long for it. I'm way to sentimental today. I'm just feeling really happy and it tends to spill out in romantic silliness. Ignore me :)

I bought some excellent body oil this weekend. I'm loving it. I feel all sexy and delicious. I highly recommend Neutrogena Body Oil original formula. It's a light sesame oil that feels really great, not greasy or wet like a lot of body oils. It adsorbed right away and left my skin feeling really supple and smooth, plus it has a very sexy and decadent scent. I'm a big fan of Neutragena products. I also bought a perfume called Aviance Night Musk. I've never liked or worn a musk perfume before but this is really soft, an intimate perfume, not overwhelming. It's a warm and cozy scent; perfect for winter.

This afternoon I'm going to go through all my photos. The new found cousins and aunts want to see pictures so I'm scanning a ton of them and putting them on disks to mail to them. Finding this part of my family and making peace with them has been a really liberating feeling. It really put to rest all of the anger I held inside of me all these years and has helped me to begin healing those old feelings of unworthiness. I'm feeling much better about myself, simply because I'm not carrying around all that old resentment about being rejected. Letting go of that was a blessing.

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