I can't even go into it tonight. It was just an emotionally crappy evening, and J is sick so I can't pour my heart out to him :(. I'll have myself under control by morning I hope. I wish I could just cry it all out, wrapped up in the arms of the guy I love, but the tears won't come. I just feel weighted down with sadness. I thought I'd put all these old issues with my real dad to rest, but I guess some things you just never completely get over. I'll survive. I always do. Sorry to be cryptic, some things are just too raw to be put into words properly. I can't even really explain it to myself. I just feel it. It's beyond words or coherant thought, it's just primal emotion.
For any parents out there estranged from your kids: Call them, write them, even when they push you away don't give up. They may hate your guts. They may never make peace with you. But at least they will know that they mattered. You did think of them. There is not much worse than feeling that your parent didn't care for you. It's a pain that's always buried within your soul and will creep up from nowhere to rip you apart. You may think your kid doesn't want or need you but deep down a part of them does.
Sorry, that's just my own personal pain and longing talking. I'd have given anything for just one phone call to remember, or a single letter from my real father to me. :( I need to get to bed and sleep off this maudlin mood.