Sunday, October 5, 2003

family issues, cramps

Not my finest weekend. I have very painful cramps right at the moment and my hormones are so seriously out of wack I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for the rest of the night. It's definitely a crawl under the covers and listen to loud opera in the dark kind of afternoon.
    About a week ago, or a little longer, my brother received a letter from my real father's sister Sharon. As anyone who's read my journal for a long time knows, I had issues of abandonment and rejection with that side of my family tree. When my real dad divorced my mom he walked out of our lives without a backward glance and his family did not keep in contact either. I spent most of my childhood feeling secretly defective. I mean, if your own father can't love you and doesn't want you in his life then you must be pretty worthless, or that was my mind set as a kid. I was always too sensitive and emotional, too easily hurt and quick to bury it under feelings of self blame.

    So, needless to say, I had mixed feelings that one of my real father's family should want to get in touch after so many years. On one hand I am very curious about them, about my real father who died before I could ever find him and get to know him, and about what I might have inherited from that side of my family. On the other hand I still held resentment and fear of being rejected yet again. My curiousity won out and I wrote back to my Aunt Sharon. She didn't answer. I waited four days and decided to send a letter in case the email never made it to her. By that time I'd done a bit of soul searching and made a few discoveries. It didn't really matter or hurt me when she didn't write back. I realized that I've grown up, grown past the resentment and anger I felt as a kid. I don't need their validation or acceptance any more. While it would be nice to have my questions answered and curiousity assuaged; that family no longer had any power to hurt me or heal me. Somehow, sometime I let go of my need for them and my pain. There is still sadness there for all the years of seperation and of anger, but the need and hurt have passed. It's such an amazing relief. I feel much more free and light.

    She did actually write back, just today in fact. It's nice to know that they did occasionally think of my siblings and I. I hope to get to know a little about the family now, though I don't believe we can ever be more than acquiantances. I don't need a new family. My life is very full.

    I did have a really nice time Saturday morning, despite my weird hormonal swings. My mom and I went out together. We spent the morning and afternoon just talking up a storm and browsing through shops. It was a lot of fun. It's nice that my mom is also my closest friend. With all our faults and weaknesses and annoying habits my Mom, brother, sister and I do genuinely like eachother and enjoy spending time together. It's good to have such a close relationship. Family is with you for life, you might as well learn to make the best of it and like eachother. :)

    Still very much in love. Still amazed he puts up with me. Still wishing I were with him.

    I have so many, many projects I need to get to work on. I promised myself that I'd get started on the shadowbox I bought for a picture of j and i from Labor Day. I'm going to decorate the matt and put a few of the momentos I saved from our time together in the frame with the picture. I just haven't got around to it. I have come up with a theme. I've decided something a bit east indian probably for the painting and stamping I want to do on the matt around the picture. I found a cool taj mahal stamp, though I haven't bought it yet. Maybe I should run out today and get it (but that would mean leaving the darkness and the loud opera music which I don't really feel like doing). Maybe I'll just stay here on line and look around for free graphics I might use or copy. I'm feeling far too antisocial to be out in the world.

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