Monday, May 12, 2003

A little about J

For some reason I woke up feeling very glum. Maybe I was just coming down from an incredible weekend, but I could feel a depression moving in. I knew if I sat around the house all day doing nothing and brooding on the computer all alone that I'd end up in a melancholy mood, probably for days. So, I headed the depression off at the pass. I got dressed and got out of the house, camera in hand. It was a gorgeous day, cool yet sunny and breezy with brilliant azure skies. I decided to go out to Big River and the little park there to take pictures of the old dam and the feed mill. There were a couple of boys skipping school and hanging out under the bridge, a geriatric half nude male sunbather laying out on the dam, and a fisherman rather listlessly danging a line in the river. I prefer the park when it's deserted. I sometimes go there to read and enjoy the sound of the water. I spent about two hours just wandering around and taking pictures. It was very relaxing. I got about 60 pictures and my camera's memory was filled, so I decided to run up to the library to check the want ads. I found a job listing that sounded perfect so I had to rush back home and get my resume and a cover letter then run to the post office to get it mailed out. Everyone please cross your fingers for me. Of course, since it's a job I want I'm not likely to get it but I still live in hope :). When I got back home the second time it was about 5. I talked to J on the IM but he was having a hectic work day so it was very brief. I walked on the tread mill for almost an hour and then took a bath. I had a healthy dinner, stayed well under my calorie goal, and then watched a gay romantic movie on HBO which was pretty good though the men did seem rather uncomfortable in the kissing scenes. So, all in all my day started out rather blah but has progressively gotten better and the best part of the day is still to come, talking with J.

J spoiled me with attention this weekend, which was why there were no updates. I doubt that we were apart more than a few hours total during the whole weekend. It was a lot of fun. We basically lived on IM and webcams all weekend, except for the couple hours we spent on the phone together. He's incredible and I openly admit that I'm falling hard for him. Of course 6 weeks is too soon to say more than that and until we've met in person there's no real way of telling how things may develop but for once I don't really care. I've spent my whole life being cautious, not admiting my feelings or embracing them, never taking risks. That's no way to live. So, I'm just going with my feelings on this and trying hard not to over think anything. I fail sometimes, get a little worried or insecure, but it's pretty rare. I know he cares about me and I care about him. Everything else will work it's way out as it should eventually. I'm going to enjoy the ride. I haven't gone into a lot of detail about J in my journal because he's a private kind of guy and doesn't like a lot of strangers knowing his business but I guess it wouldn't hurt to give a few little details so friends can know a bit more. He's 5 years older than I am, has never been married, doesn't drink or smoke, likes the same british tv shows that I like, has a wonderfully funny personality, is very smart, loves horses, is into computers & tech stuff, lives in southern california near the beach, and is very very nice to me. I feel butterflies in my stomach when I think about him but more than that I also feel like knowing him is something I was meant to do. I can't really explain it, except that it feels so solid & natural, and almost predestined. We spend as much of our free time together as possible. He's offered to come here to visit me and I think if things continue to go well he'll visit in late summer or early fall. I don't want to rush it until we know eachother even better.

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