I'm really enjoying my relationship with J, more than I have enjoyed anything in a very long time.
Now about J. He's wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!!! It's so nice to just laugh and smile again, and he makes me do both of those all the time. He also encourages me, makes me feel more confident and beautiful then I've ever felt and considering I am currently at my least beautiful physically that is an amazing accomplishment. There is just something about him that makes me want to be my best and yet he doesn't make me feel that I need to be perfect or different from what I am. I want to make him happy and yet I don't feel like I need to completely remake myself just to please him, which is different from any other relationship I've ever had. He seems to care about me just as I am. I feel the same way about him. Knowing him, spending time with him, just feels right and natural. I hope it's the same way for him.
I'm not expecting anything from this. I know it could end tomorrow or it could last 50 years. Life isn't predictable but for once that's okay. I don't feel like I need to be nervous or cautious. I don't feel a need to hold back my heart. I've realized I'm much stronger then I realized. I can handle whatever life sends me. If I give my heart to someone and it doesn't work out then it will be hard and sad, but I won't curl up and die. I'll heal and grow and try again. But of course I'd like it to work out. He is very easy to love.
Although J is the best part of my life at the moment I'm not just focusing on him. I know I need to reconnect with myself and find my direction. I'm trying to sort myself out. I'm refocusing my plans about school and I'm working on getting healthy and on finding a job. It's all a long and slow process but I know that if I just stick with it eventually I will come out with the life I've always wanted. I'm going to be like the tortoise in the children's story "Slow and steady wins the race" :)