Monday, March 31, 2003

I feel lovely

I've been in a really good mood the past two days and have felt great about myself. Mainly it's because I've been exercising a lot more and instead of doing it because I feel I have to, I've been really concentrating on enjoying the process. Regardless of whether or not it will help me to lose weight it actually FEELS GOOD to move, to stretch and to physically challenge myself. I've been concentrating a lot on doing what feels good to do. I'm trying to bring more and more positivity into my life, on all levels, and I really feel that I'm making progress. The changes so far are very small, more just a feeling and an attitude that I actually CAN make changes, but I think it's a good start and I'm feeling proud of myself. Even more lovely is the fact that I've had a tiny bit of physical result from my self improvement program. I lost 4 lbs this month, despite the fact that I wasn't starving myself or doing anything extreme. All I've done is tried to listen to my body and treat it nicely. Granted, 4 lbs is not much considering what I need to lose but it's a resonable and healthy amount so I'm pleased. I'm trying to stop placing unrealistic expectations on myself. I set my goals and standards too high and then beat myself up when I don't meet them. It's a stupid way to behave because it only feeds into my self esteem issues and makes me feel helpless so that I give up even trying. I know that if I give everything time, I can make the changes that I need to make in order to be the person I want to be, and live the life that will make me happiest. And I'm going to do my best to enjoy the process along the way.

I was pretty good this weekend and spent much less time on line than usual. It wasn't easy because I'm totally addicted to Blurty and not posting/reading here was a true test of my self control. I got my photographs organized and did a few little projects. During the few times I was on line I instant messaged with my wonderful English penpal and wrote emails to my Russian pen pal who is finally back at home after spending several months working in England. I also reconnected with another English friend and instant messaged with him for awhile. HMMM, I seem to have had an English theme running this weekend. I even watched Bridget Jones and Billy Elliot again :)

I wasn't especially impressed with the figure skating world championships. It was nice to see Michelle Kwan win her 5th title but I'm not really a fan of hers. I can't explain why because I like her and enjoy her skating which is technically flawless but emotionally she leaves me cold but since Irina Slutskaya (one of my favorite eligible skaters) wasn't in the competition I was kind of rooting for Michelle. None of the other women really gave her that much competition. I missed all of the pairs and mens skating :( but ice dance was quite exciting. Canadian ice dancers Bourne and Kraatz won their first world title and became the first North American skaters to ever win the world title in ice dance. Considering how closed and predictable judging in ice dance usually is, this was a major coup. Though I enjoyed their skating and was glad they won and made history I actually prefered the russian team of Lobacheva and Averbukh. They have more presence and passion on the ice. I arranged a trade with a girl on a skating web site. I collect stuff on skater Katia Gordeeva and have a massive quantity of photographs that I've bought from different skating photographers. I trade several of these photographs for a compilation CD of Katia's skating music and the Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazine that she appears in. The magazine clippings will be a good addition to my skating scrap book and I'm so looking forward to the music. I love classical music and the CD will have some excellent selections on it.

Goodness, I'm just rambling away today aren't I? Guess I have to make up for those 2 days I didn't write :). I'm in a great mood which always makes me more talkative. Did I mention that I've given up my Pepsi addiction? I don't know how it happened but I'm no longer a Pepsi fiend, though on occasion I still enjoy it. I use to drink a 2 liter a day. Now I have maybe one can a week. Instead I'm drinking more water and also I've started buying this cheap sparkling water type drink at Wal-Mart that has no calories and no sodium. It comes in all sorts of fruit flavors and I love them all.

Ohh, I've also decided on a little change I plan to make. Killermuffin suggested I might want to try and make some changes a week ago when I was going through a bad time. Anyway that got me thinking and I've thought of something I'd enjoy getting involved in. Well, actually two things. The first is that I want to get into bicycling. Years ago I adored riding a bicycle. Now it's something I'd like to get into doing again. My old bike is in god awful condition but it shouldn't take that much to get it ride-able and if it turns out this is a hobby I stick to then I'll find a way to get a better bike eventually. Bicycling will give me an active hobby and get me out in the fresh air more. It's not something I can start immediately but my goal is to be riding by mid May or June 1st at the latest. Also, my english friend has inspired me and I'm going to start taking more nature photographs because it will get me out of the house a lot more and I enjoy doing it even if 3/4's of the time the pictures are crap. So, those are two little changes I intend to make soon. Bigger changes will eventually happen I hope, such as finding a job, but for that I need a bit of outside cooperation. I'm putting in applications and hopefully someone will want me but right now I'm going to concentrate on improving myself and enjoying my free time while it lasts.

Okay, I think that's enough for now. I'm going to get off line and see if my sister wants to go for a walk. Take care all. Hopefully later tonight I'll get to catch up on all your journals. I've missed you all!

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