Friday, October 11, 2002

Midnight Madness

I don't deal well with change. Tomorrow (or rather later today) I start back to school. Life starts again. Since June I've had no real schedule but now I'll have school. While I'm looking forward to these things, I'm also VERY nervous. I've got butterflies in my tummy just thinking about it. Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of social anxiety disorder. New situations and being around strange people freaks me out. I have always been a homebody. As a kid I use to tell my friends that I was grounded just so I didn't have to go outside and play with them. It wasn't that I didn't like my friends, but home was so much more pleasant and cozy. I could do what I wanted instead of having to please other people. Unfortunately I haven't changed much since then. I'm still a loner. I've always had this odd feeling that maybe living a solitary life is my destiny. I'm quite happy in my own company.

But back to what I was saying, my schedule is about to change drastically, actually my life will change drastically,or so I hope. I've been in limbo, just coasting along and letting life take me wherever it wanted but now I know I've got to start to take control and actually DO SOMETHING with myself. I'm 30 and that's too old to just meander through life without a thought to the future. I finally figured out what I want to do with my life only to realize that I can't do it alone. My ultimate desire (and I know it's horribly oldfashioned and not at all PC) is to be a stay at home wife and Mom. I desperately want to clean house, do laundry,scrub dishes, clip coupons, carpool, spoil a husband and yell at my kids :). My favorite of all the (MANY) jobs I've had was as a Nanny, because I got to do most of those things (not the spoiling husband part!). Unfortunately this is not a life goal I can achieve on my own. To be a wife you've got to have a husband and I can't find a man willing to cooperate with me!! Well, that's not exactly true. I've found a couple, none of which I wanted, and I've found one I would want but he's too far away. Even if I can find a guy willing to put up with my boring self more than likely he won't want a wife that stays home, or we won't be able to afford it. My life sucks! LOL So, since my heart's desire seems unattainable I've decided to go with plan B: teaching. That's why I'm back in college. I love school, love learning, enjoy working with kids, and I REALLY REALLY love the teaching schedule (particularly the Christmas break,for some reason I truly hate working from Christmas Eve thru the New year, yet who wants to waste their vacation days during the holidays when the weather is bad?). If I can manage to get through the schooling I think I'll be pretty content with Teaching as my life's career. But to accomplish any goals you have to put in some work, and it's time I got to work. There are so many ways I need to improve myself. I'm a never ending fixer upper project!!

I'd better end this for now. I'm just rambling. Maybe I'll have a more focused outlook later. I doubt I'll sleep at all tonight. I HATE CHANGE, even when it's desperately needed. Talk to you again

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