Monday, October 21, 2002

Jumbled thoughts

My head is full of half formed thoughts, feelings I can't put into words. I feel a bit jumbled inside, confused and uncertain about my path. I know what I need is to be quiet and seek answers within. I guess I'll just pour out all the different thoughts and sort them out later.
I have two personas. My public facade: easygoing, generally cheerful, uncomplicated, and all around "nice". It's the me that flirts on message boards, tells all the cashiers to have a nice day, let's old people cut in front of me in line, is supportive to friends and family, rarely gets angry, and yet always maintains a certain distance and reserve within my relationships. It's the reason everyone thinks I'm a lovely person, yet no one remembers to invite me out or call me up for a casual chat. It's the part of me that always presents an image of control, independence and self sufficiency. I developed this part of myself as a shield. I learned as a kid (from a volatile, often angry teenage mother) that it's safer to conform and easier to repress your true emotions. After all, if people know your true feelings and your weaknesses they can use them to hurt you. This is the everyday me.

Then there is the second side to my personality, the emotional core: it's the me that is creative, passionate, intense, romantic, bitter, angry, sad, loving, confident, crazy, dark, brooding, outrageous and needy. It's the me that cries over the beauty of the world, rages at the pain and ugliness, would fight to the death for a loved one or a righteous cause, and begs for love. It's my private side, which almost NO ONE gets to see and yet it's the side that is often driving me and always crying out for attention.

I know that to find my real voice, I need to integrate these two parts of myself. I need to allow the emotional core to surface more and yet temper it with the control of my public persona. I also know that I need to let people in., let them see the real me.Scary thought.
I have a horrible tendency to define myself by the people I care for. I let their treatment of me, their reactions too me, cloud how I feel about myself. To earn approval (and love) I will turn myself inside out. I know why I behave this way. It's a throw back to my early childhood. It's trite and SUCH a cliche, but it comes from feeling rejected by my father. My only memories of him are of trying and failing to get his attention and his love. I just knew that if I were smarter, prettier, better behaved that he'd finally really SEE me and love me. I think it's a pattern I often repeat, particularly with the men in my life. Being abandoned by a parent can leave a person with a profound sense of being unlovable. I know I have huge self esteem issues, which I work on. When I'm feeling strong and happy with myself my life is better, but it doesn't really change the fact that I love intensely and I need love intensely, which scares most people off. I need someone strong enough to handle my intensity, someone that I won't overwhelm.

I wish life could be more straightforward and everyone could just say what they feel and not play games.

Algebra test Tuesday. Panic! Panic! Panic!

THOSE ARE MY THOUGHTS FOR THE EVENING. Or at least some of them. Other's are just too complex for words. I'm not a writer unfortunately. I wish I could express myself better.

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